Hoop Dreams

I just went to what might possibly be the last Sonics game in Seattle. Against crazy odds we actually won. The excitement of winning a challenging game in the final seconds is why basketball is a great sport to watch. However, the win wasn't the highlight, nor was the two minute standing ovation for Gary Payton. The highlight was when the entire crowd got to their feet and for several minutes chanted, "Save our Sonics!" Not surprisingly, I cried. It was nice to be there and feel that love and devotion to a team that this year finished second to last but many years ago actually won a Championship game.

My mother loved most sports and she was a passionate and devoted all-weather fan of all of Seattle's teams. I remember how her eyes would tear up whenever she told the story of the Sonics winning the championship. Since she was picking my brothers up from something she wasn't able to see the win, but she was listening to the radio broadcast in her car. When the final buzzer sounded, everywhere she looked people were waving and honking their horns and just simply enjoying the feeling of Our Team winning the Big One.

I am aware that there is something fundamentally wrong with the NBA, and people have lost interest in it. I agree that it is shameful to hold the city responsible for whether the Sonics stay or go by the jackass that bought them. However, I also feel it is wrong for the city and the state to do little more then gestures to keep the team here, and sad that no one seems to care. I know my mom would care, and she wouldn't be able to sit idly by while they took her team away.

If only the Sonics had more all-weather fans, more people chanting, "Save Our Sonics," and more people like my mom who would be heartbroken to see them leave. If only...

Goodnight Wesley...I'll Most Likely Kill You in the Morning

I have DSPS: Delayed Sleep-Phase Syndrome

It means my internal clock is all wacky and I’m wide awake when you all are sleeping soundly in bed. Note that the time of this post is 3:40 am, and I’ve been staying up until 6am off and on for the last month or so. If it’s not one thing it’s another with me huh? Well I took melatonin for a few nights and it worked but then I stopped because I’m afraid I’ll become dependant. I’ve always had insomnia and when it got really bad in college my doctor told me to take benedryl. I don’t think she expected me to stay on it very long, but that’s what happened. I couldn’t sleep without it and I couldn’t risk not sleeping and missing work or class. Then my heart started acting up and it became obvious that the benedryl was the cause, so with the help of my dad and my husband (then fiance) I kicked my dependancy. It was an unpleasant process and one that I’d rather not go through again. But I have to do something because the alternative is equally unpleasant. So tomorrow I’ll take the melatonin again and this time I’ll take it for a couple of weeks like my doctor told me to.

I Killed Cancer

After two years of fighting a cancer that no one thought I'd beat I'm in remission. As far as anyone can tell there is no cancer in my body. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I think of all the women (and men) who have lost their lives to this disease and I know I will eventually be one of them, but for the time being I have officially killed the cancer that was determined to kill me. Go figure.

Mass Effect

I don't usually broadcast to the world how much of a geek I am. Most people who know me are well aware of this fact but I typically do my best to avoid doing or saying anything that reminds people just how geeky I really am. That said, I have to announce that I absolutely love Mass Effect! I've been waiting for this game to come out on the Xbox 360 for a long time now, and since getting it for Christmas I can't go a day without playing it. It is visually amazing, as near to life-like as possible for a game console. When you first begin to create your character it is slightly alarming to see such a lifelike face staring back at you. (Thus illustrating the paradox that the more realistic the characters become the creepier it is to play them.) Once you get over the "whoa" response, you get to make your characters features to your liking. The best part about the game is that it looks cinematic during actual game-play, and my character is in every scene right down to the small scar that I chose when I made her. It is so sweet it makes me giddy. Taking place in space it has a galaxy that you can explore at your whim. You can follow the main plot straight through or go off on your own and visit strange new worlds, and seek out new life and new civilizations. Well, there's really not much of the last two because the worlds that are open to exploration are largely unsettled. It's not limitless, but there is certainly a degree of freedom to the game that is unusual for most console games. The only downside is that it is RPG heavy. In other words, you do a lot of talking to people and no where near as much fighting as games like Halo or Call of Duty, which are all fighting. There's a lot of dialogue and a lot of different choices you can make to direct the dialogue. You can be super nice, an asshole or somewhere in between and the people you talk to will act accordingly. You get the same information no matter how you play it, but the tone of the conversation definately changes and sometimes it is harder to charm the information out of a character then it is to threaten them and vice versa. If you like that sort of game and own a 360 I highly, highly recommend buying Mass Effect. It's just plain awesome. Now I'm off to play! Later!

Junk and Despair

Peter and I are pack rats. We have so much crap that our drawers and closets are overflowing, and our whole house is just one big mess. Looking around the room I can see the disorganized closet in full view for anyone to see (it doesn’t have a door). There are boxes, paper, bags, doll clothes I want to sell on Ebay, a large blank canvas painting, and a big picnic basket full of Christmas presents that need to be wrapped. My desk is littered with photographs, notebooks, knickknacks and doodads, papers, pens, and of all things, a paper mache mask. There is a dead monitor in the corner next to my mom’s old sewing machine. Our art supply cabinet looks like someone set a bomb off inside and now half of what it should neatly contain is actually on the floor. Paid bills, receipts, and instruction manuals are stacked on top of the filing cabinet because we’re too lazy to actually put them inside it. There are two more canvases in the room; paintings that are never quite finished enough to make it onto a wall. A drawer overflowing with Peter’s projects sits in the middle of the room. There is a stack of old newspapers, an old telephone, cameras, cords, headphones, and boxes of computer shit we never use and will never need to use. This is all in a room probably a little bigger then your typical office cubical, and doesn’t include Peter’s desk behind me (I’m afraid to look). When we finally get fed up with the crap our closets can no longer hold the shit gets tossed into the basement. Except for camping gear and holiday decorations, most of the shit down there is never wanted, needed, or seen ever again. I hate living like this. I feel uncomfortable in every room, and all the useless clutter is oppressive and depressing. Peter says we have higher priorities then keeping neat and organized. I just feel lazy, dirty, and completely overwhelmed. I have plenty of time on my hands yet I sit in this pathetic mess every day and do little to improve it. Even as bad as this house makes me feel I am still not motivated enough to roll up my shirt sleeves and get to work. I have lots of excuses. Foremost of them is that I don’t want to do it alone. Just thinking of how much time and effort it would take to get this house in good shape exhausts me. I would also have to prepare myself for an all out battle with my husband. Hard to believe, but Peter is worse then I am. The amount of truly useless crap he holds onto astounds me. Whenever I suggest we get rid of things he says he wants to at least try to give some of it away first. Not only do I doubt that anyone would want any of this shit, I feel that we’re beyond that. If it were possible, I’d have one of those big garbage bins delivered and I’d just throw it all away. It might be wasteful and bad for the environment, but right now my own personal environment is so toxic and polluted that I’d be more than willing to do it. So, overwhelmed with the amount of work to be done, and knowing the resistance I will get should I attempt a major overhaul of the entire house, I wallow in self-pity and despair. We need an intervention. We need help…serious help. Any volunteers?

A Sad Realization

I've realized that I became the person I least wanted to be, the person who becomes their diagnosis. My daily life was spent thinking about and reacting to chemotherapy. "How do I feel now? Am I too tired to clean the kitchen? Damn this chemo for making me feel so tired." I spent time researching my options, talking to friends about how things were going, talking to absolute strangers about how things were going. People wanted to talk to me and spend time with me because I was sick, because I could die. Now in the absence of chemotherapy and in the face of remission (short or long-term) I feel completely lost. I have no sense of self anymore. What am I if not someone sick from chemo? Who am I if not someone who has cancer? No one calls anymore to see if I'm alright or to grab up every moment of what precious time I have left. I have time on my hands and nothing to fill that time with. I am boring, bored, and completely beside myself with fear and anxiety. I have already been chastised for feeling this way. People who still have cancer, who are still staring into the face of death and trying to beat it away with a stick, have told me to essentially get over it and start living life again. I contend that I was living life more when I was sick then I ever did before or since. I may not be staring death in the face anymore, but it is near-by, a shadow on my mind. It lurks, it waits, and it will be back. No matter how hopeful everyone is about my future I know it will be back. No one has Stage IV breast cancer go into remission indefinitely. But if they are lucky enough to have it go into remission at all they should count their blessings and enjoy it. Right? My death sentence has been temporarily revoked and I should be living my life to the fullest. Right? Not as easy as it sounds. At least not for me.

What Happened to Halloween?

I've been thinking about how sad Halloween is these days. Peter and I went out like we usually do to avoid answering the door. Not that there are tons of kids around our place. The ones that do live here go to all the shops and grocery stores for their trick or treating. We walked to a restaurant and as we entered two families with small children in toe entered ahead of us. One couple had their kids dressed up, as a dinosaur and a duck, and the other couple had their kids in their normal clothes. The kids in costume were so young they seemed oblivious. The kids not in costume were scared of the other two. I commented that it seemed kind of silly to spend money on costumes when kids are too young to remember them. Peter said he thought it was for the parents...that dressing up kids in super cute costumes makes up for some of the chaos of day to day dealing with kids. I suppose there's truth in that, and I'm sure I was dressed up in silly costumes that I don't remember. I really feel bad for the kids who go to the stores instead of door to door or who end up trudging through the mall because it's too cold and too scary out there in the real world. I remember how much fun it was to be out with my friends after dark, roaming through the neighborhoods high on sugar. I remember the houses we were afraid to go to and the ones not to be missed and the candy trading at the end. There were years it was so cold we'd pile into our parents' cars every few houses to get warm. There were years that we ran from house to house to escape the rain. Halloween was an adventure, and a parentally sanctioned opportunity to live on the wild side. The rest of the year we were indoors before dark, in bed before 8:00, and were generally supposed to be well behaved tiny members of society. Kids these days are missing out. The mall may be warm and dry and safe, but it isn't a little taste of wild freedom in an otherwise boring life.