30th Birthday

I'm 30. There was a time when that was considered a long shot so I should feel grateful. What I actually feel is the same way many women feel when they turn 30...old. I don't know why that is. Why is 30 such a tragic age? My only conclusion is that it just is. I'm 30 now so that means I no longer get the shocked look when I tell people I have cancer. Cancer at 30 sucks and is still 10 years below the 'normal' margins, but it's not so far fetched as cancer at 25. I have a CT scan this week, and an MRI later in the month. I'm worried. I'm always worried but this time I just have this feeling that things aren't right. I'm so tired. I feel that mélange that I carried with me before my diagnosis and during chemo. Maybe it's just the stress of Peter maybe losing his job and our health insurance. Maybe it's my ulcer acting up again. So many maybes. I'll know more by the middle of next week. Dr. Lee doesn't like to let people wait through the weekend for results, but there was a mix-up in scheduling. It's going to be a long weekend.