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If you can't tell....it's all fracked up.

Why Can't I Import My Other Blog?

I just wanted to link my old blog with my new email and that is apparently too much to ask. So if you found me here and want to know more about my struggles with Stage 4 Breast Cancer, Her2nu positive cancer, Herceptin, or read some of my random short stories, then check me out here:

I'm Just a Little Batty

Several Months Later

I'm making the rounds. Checking up on friends and updating my blog after a long hiatus. Anya is a happy and healthy 9 month old, and so far nothing about her is out of the ordinary. She's full of giggles and smiles, coos and baby babble, and lots of love. Perfection! I am doing well. Last brain MRI came back negative so I'm getting well acquainted with NED (no evidence of disease). Of course I cannot be content because I still fear its eventual return. We are living with my brother and his family for financial reasons and it has come to my attention that I am a bit of a negative person. A spoil sport. A pessimist. I know I've always had a half-empty sort of outlook, but I think my trials have made it worse. I'm working on changing my attitude because the last thing I want is to pass this on to Anya.

Anya Meets Dr. Lee

I took Anya in to the cancer clinic to meet the nurses and Dr. Lee. Everyone was overjoyed to see her, which isn't a surprise, but I did get another hug from Dr. Lee. He told me that getting to see her made his day, his week, his month and his year. Oncologists have to try very hard not find the fine line between caring for patients and not getting too attached because the losses would be too emotionally draining. He's done well keeping on that line but I think Anya's arrival has pushed him over a little. It means a great deal to me that he cares for me, and us, in that way, because we certainly have felt that way about him for years.

Grateful

Went in to the clinic to have my port flushed. I decided not to bring Anya because her sensitive immune system. Her visit can wait a few more weeks. I was totally surprised that the staff had given Anya several gifts. It meant so much to me as a symbol of the depth of their care and their ability to get intimately connected with their patients because they are a smaller practice.

This was my oncologist's note in the card: "She is beautiful. Words fail me. We are so glad for you!"

Words seldom fail him.

In Seattle there are several "top notch" cancer facilities, but in my opinion they all pale in comparison to the doctors and staff at Puget Sound Cancer Centers...especially Dr. Doug Lee!

Anya's Home

Anya came home on Saturday, November 7th. It was such a relief to finally get out of the damn hospital. Two solid weeks was almost more than I could handle. Thankfully one of the social workers was also a cancer survivor and understood I was a little more fragile than many of the other mothers around me. There were a few days I could not stop crying and for no apparent reason.

Anyway, we're home now and trying to get into the swing of things. We had gotten so accustomed to the hospital, where everything was in its place and there was a sink and a fridge in the room, and a nurse came in every three hours to remind us to feed Anya. Having to do it all ourselves was a bit of a disaster the first night but we made it through.

Tomorrow will be her first visit to her regular pediatrician and not the hospital pediatrician. I'm sure I'll have nightmares tonight about them sending her back to the hospital for a few more weeks.

As I should be sleeping now I'm off to bed.

Much Ado and a Hug

I caused quite a stir last Thursday when I went in for treatment. The entire staff had been waiting for news about Anya, and I simply hadn't the time to make the call. They were so excited to hear the news and see the pictures we brought that we put everyone behind schedule. I'm sure the other patients were peeved and confused as to what the fuss was about. Several nurses were around me in the waiting room when I saw Dr. Lee poke his head out. One or two times he stepped forward and then back again, as though undecided about what to do. Finally he flapped his arms and rushed over to look at the pictures and congratulate me. His words were, "Holy crap." Oh how I love his sense of humor.

Because my breast was engorged I opted to have treatment with a peripheral IV in my hand instead of my port. Took longer but was well worth it. I told several of my nurses the story about the neonatal nurse wanting to compare my breasts to see if my engorged breast was normal. We had a good laugh.

As I was leaving the Center, Dr. Lee came out again and gave both me and my husband hugs. I was touched and got a little teary, but before I could say much he rushed away (he was running behind). We turned to the receptionist to confirm my next appointment and she was all teared up too. Then she told us that in the 7 years she had worked for Dr. Lee she had never seen him hug anyone.

I am so glad to have found Dr. Lee and trusted my instincts when I decided to stick with him instead of going to a bigger institution. I am profoundly grateful to him for working so hard to make this cancer fight a long and worthwhile one. And what could be more worthwhile than having a chance to bring a new life into the world?

She's Here!

Anya Has Arrived!
ANYA LEE POPP

born:
10/23/2009, 10:15 pm
4 lbs 12 oz, 15 inches

...and DAMN CUTE!


Induction started Friday morning and was pretty dull until late evening. Active labor for a couple of hours, pushing for 20 minutes and whoosh! Out she came. The NICU nurses hadn't even made it downstairs yet! My doctor prepared me by telling me that Anya came so fast they weren't quite ready so they called a CODE to get them to hurry. She also warned me that there was about to be 10 more people in the room...and I was still legs spread. Good times!

Anya had a little trouble remembering to breathe in her first few minutes but soon got the hang of it. By the time they showed her to me she was breathing on her own. Then she was whisked up to the NICU so they could keep a close watch on her.

Over the last week she's had some ups and downs. Problems holding her temperature, keeping food down, and a little jaundice. Today, exactly one week after her birthday, she was moved to a different floor where NICU babies go for a few days before they're released. She's eating plenty of food now and keeping it down, her temperature is steady, and the jaundice started to come down without the need for UV lights. We're hoping to have her home by Monday. Fingers and toes crossed.

Funniest thing that happened...

On Wednesday my milk came in. My breast was ginormous and red and painful. Eerily reminded me of when I was first diagnosed and MY cancer WAS painful. I mentioned it to the nurse taking care of Anya that day and she asked a lactation consultant to speak to me (even though I can't breastfeed due to Herceptin). So both the nurse and the lacto. lady came and pulled the curtain closed. I lifted up the right side of my shirt to show them, but held my arm over my left side. They both commented that it looked very swollen, but could they look at the left breast to compare. With a smirk I said, "Uh, no, I don't have it anymore." They both said "Oh!" followed by an awkward silence. Without something to compare it to they really couldn't tell me if my breast was normal, so they told me to ice it and take pain meds and let them know if it got worse.

It's Official

Anya will come into the world sometime on October 23rd, 2009. I hope early rather than later. I had the amniocentesis today to check her lungs and she's ready to breathe. They poked me in the belly with a long needle. Told me it wouldn't hurt as much as a biopsy but they didn't give me anything for the pain and ended up poking me twice. Yuck! It wasn't as bad as having screws drilled into my head, but it was very uncomfortable. Makes me worry for tomorrow. On the one hand, I've been through so much shit already that my pain threshold should be pretty high, but on the other hand, I'm a big wuss and usually whine and cry until I get pain medications. Sigh. Well I'll be taking a benedryl tonight to get some sleep and I'll be crossing my fingers for a short, easy labor. (How's that for wishful thinking?)

Fight Mode

As I am anxiously waiting for the induction this Friday it occurs to me that I am more nervous about giving birth then I was for my mastectomy. It helps that I was unconscious for that event, but still, in the days leading up to it I wasn't as nervous as I am now. I think I was less apprehensive then because I was in fight mode. I had accepted what was to be as a necessary part of fighting cancer. Now I'm not in fight mode, and it's not just me that will be put to the test. So somehow, between today and Friday, I've got to get into a mindset that I'm going to handle childbirth as best I can for Anya's sake. She needs me to be strong, so I'll do my damnedest.

Countdown On

Everything has progressed normally...it's really quite boring. The amniotic fluid dropped as usual after treatment, but we started at such a high number (12) that the drop to 8 didn't really matter. It's been a couple of weeks and it's starting to climb now. All her ultrasounds looked pretty good, her Dopplers (blood flows) look great, and her NST's (non-stress test: checks for heart rate and movement) have all been perfect. Alas, she's still not growing, and they're worried (I'm worried too) about the potential return of my cancer as a result of postponing my Herceptin treatments a few weeks at a time. So, since she is doing so well on all fronts but size they've decided to evict her early. In one week in fact! I'll be induced Friday October 23rd at 36 weeks!

She'll probably spend awhile in the NICU getting special care and attention until she puts on weight and is breathing well and keeping her temp up. In the mean time, I'll be getting my first CT/PET and full MRI scans in months. Yikes! Soon I'll know if was all worth it or if the risk I took was just too great. I hope I will take one look at my baby girl and know I did the right thing. I hope that will give me strength on the day I get my test results back.

Last Treatment

I had my last infusion of Herceptin today. Well not really, I'll be back on the stuff at regular 3 weeks intervals for the rest of my life, but this was the last one with Anya inside. I hated it as I have every time. Knowing that she was getting some of it too and it would make the fluid go down. I'm not taking any chances this time. Resting, drinking and eating will be my only tasks for the next few weeks. And it will be just a few more weeks. 36 or 37 weeks would be the miracle goal, but really I could be induced next week if the fluid drops that quickly. More likely they'll put me back in the hospital as soon as the fluid drops and keep me there until it's time. I can't believe I'm about to be a mom. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

I'm also exhausted. Haven't been this tired in a long time. Herceptin always makes me tired for a day but today I feel like my strength has been sapped. Iron counts or something. Or maybe it's just a pregnancy thing.

33 Weeks

Today's sonogram was excellent! Amniotic fluid jumped to 12. Apparently I'm the buzz around Parinatology this week. Heart rate was also great. Lots of activity. Normally she takes a nap when they hook us up to the monitor. She's also been getting a lot of hiccups which means she's practicing breathing. All in all, a good day.

Normal

The sonographer was so shocked by today's fluid level that she checked it 3 times. The level is up to 10! That's the low end of normal. Finally something in this pregnancy is normal. Woo hoo! Everyone in the room hi-fived like uber dorks, but it was a great moment that needed a little celebrating. Anya has grown as well. From the lowly 3rd percentile to the slightly better 7th percentile. With the way things have gone I don't expect this to last, but I'm gonna enjoy the weekend, take it easy, and try not to fret until the next sonogram on Tuesday.

Big Move Consequences

I was allowed to go home from hospital Sunday when the amniotic fluid finally hit 6. Wasted weekend because we really needed to pack up our house for our move to the "Big House" with my brother and his family. Docs told me to rest -again- although not necessarily Bed Rest. Went back for sonograms on Tuesday and the fluid was 7. Decided to post-pone Herceptin 2 weeks to get me into the 33-34 week range (36-37 is the max the docs will allow). By the sonogram that Friday fluid was up to a lofty 8.

However, I was still under the advice to rest, rest, rest, and drink a ton, but I couldn't just lay there and let my husband do all the work. So I helped when and where I could. I know I shouldn't have, but I did and now I'm dealing with the consequences. This Tuesday the sonogram showed a drop down to 5 instead of an increase like we expected. So this time I was chastised and given strict orders to remain resting on couch or bed.

Of course, I'm clearly not following orders by sitting at my desk to entertain myself on my computer. I will rest and drink more than I have been the last few days, and since I have now put away all my clothes and toiletries I can put off unpacking anything else. With luck the fluid will be up a little by the next sonogram on Friday. If it doesn't then I might go back to the hospital and I won't be able to see the production of Wicked that my friend bought me a ticket to see.

Hospital Again

I got admitted to the hospital on Wednesday because Anya's fluid was low again. Same plan as last time: fluids, rest, monitor baby. Only this time the fluid didn't come back up right away, so I'm not allowed to go home. Well technically I can go home but it would be against advisement. I certainly want to do everything within my power to get the fluid up and keep Anya safe. Unfortunately there isn't a lot I can do but wait and hope. We'll be taking it a few days at a time. The next sonogram will be Sun and if the fluid's up I'll go home. If it remains the same I'll stay longer. If it goes down...well I don't want to think about that until the time comes. Other than the fluid and small size, Anya seems perfectly happy in her cramped little world. Her heart, lungs, brain, placenta and cord all seem to be working well. A little relief on top of all the worry.

Uneventful

Everything was A-OK on the sonogram this week. Fluid was still at 9. Little odd since we expected it to drop some after treatment, but we're not complaining. Not ready to hope the rest of the pregnancy will be a breeze. Always have the feeling that something bad is right around the corner. Same way with cancer. Always fearing the next bit of bad news. It's a defense mechanism, but it takes a bit of the joy out of life. Still, if I didn't have my guard up, every time something went wrong I'd be a complete basket case.

Back in the Chair

Had treatment today. Blah. So hard to sit there knowing the amniotic fluid could drop again and hurt Anya. Still after 2 weeks off Herceptin, the fluid went up to 9! It is hard to believe that I was hospitalized a few weeks ago because it was only 4. Hopefully this big cushion will last or at least keep the number in the "low but safe" range. If not, well, I'll just skip a few more Herceptin treatments. I'm at 28 weeks now. Third trimester. Home stretch. I'm excited to see her, but I don't want her to come too soon. I keep telling her to stay where she is for a few more months, but I doubt that will happen. On top of low fluid she's falling behind in growth. That could mean she's just small (I'm only 5ft tall, husband only 5'10 so not expecting a giant) or it could mean some growth restriction. Nothing is ever easy in my world! Despite that, my top complaint this week was how itchy and irritating my stretch marks are. My doc laughed and congratulated me for having a "normal" pregnancy complaint

Another Week Off

Anya's fluid is up to 7.5! She's LOVING not having treatment so we're taking another week off. Then it's back to the chair for us.

No Herceptin

Last week I decided to postpone my Herceptin treatment. My Oncologist was very supportive and told me I could take 1-2 weeks off. I'm going for 2. Hopefully baby Anya will enjoy the time off as much as I will. Next sonogram is tomorrow, Wednesday the 19th. Amniotic fluid must stay up! Drinking liquids like crazy even though it isn't proven that it helps. Thanks to Renee for telling others about me, and to all of you who have posted nice things.

PS My last MRI came back negative! No new brain mets for me. Of course they couldn't do a contrast scan because of Anya, but as far as they could tell it was clear. Anya didn't like the noise and got all fidgety, but they kept it short and as quiet as possible.